


Talking to the Moon

by lucyskeys



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Emotions, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28706703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucyskeys/pseuds/lucyskeys
Summary: Levi reminisces about his time with his commander and partner, Erwin Smith.*Spoilers for AOT season 3 included*
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	Talking to the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> This was loosely inspired by this beautiful [art.](https://paliira.tumblr.com/post/636951478853058560/different-style-this-time-eruri-week-day-2)

_“Give up on your dream and die.”_

Words that have been repeating in Levi’s mind over and over again. 

Words he didn’t realize he’d have to speak so soon. Words he secretly, foolishly, hoped he would never have to speak. 

But Levi should have known better, should have been prepared the moment Erwin announced the operation to reclaim Wall Maria. 

He knew most, if not everyone, wouldn’t come back alive. Expedition after expedition had taught Levi that death in his world, in his occupation, was something to be expected. 

Countless people he cared about had been lost to humanity’s quest to learn more about their cruel world, yet Levi pushed on. 

Despite the horrors outside of the walls and the promise of death, he went on expedition after expedition because he believed in the quest. He believed in the goal. Most of all, he believed in Erwin’s goal: get to the basement. 

Levi hadn’t thought much about the outside world before he met Erwin. He spent his entire childhood and young-adult life underground, trying his best just to survive inside the walls. 

Then Erwin Smith swooped into Levi’s life one day, the commander of the nation’s Scout Regiment, telling him that there could be more to his existence. Levi could be a soldier of humanity, someone who could help uncover the secrets of the Titans and their world. Erwin, quite literally, changed Levi’s life forever. 

Throughout Levi’s time as a Scout, Erwin was a reassuring presence for him: a man who was always strong, never wavered, and determined to reach his goal. Despite the immense loss and heartbreak Levi faced as a Scout, he knew, in a small place at the back of his mind, that Erwin would always be there when they reunited after their missions. 

Erwin may have been the first man Levi ever trusted. 

Inevitably, the men became reliant on each other. Erwin, the steadfast commander, and Levi, his strongest and most trusted soldier. Levi sought Erwin’s guidance on every mission, relying on the commander’s judgment to lead them to success, or just to get the most of them back alive as possible. 

After months of the powerful bond they shared as soldiers, Levi’s feelings grew beyond just admiration and respect for the commander. He can’t place the exact moment when he knew, but one day, he just did. 

Their bond as _people_ grew. Erwin became a fixture in Levi’s life beyond the battlefield, and Levi began to find it hard to imagine a world without him. That scared Levi more than any Titan. 

Becoming attached to people was something Levi avoided as best he could because he knew all too well what this life had in store for him: death, loss, and pain. But no matter how hard he tried to seal away his emotions, Levi found himself helpless when it came to Erwin. Levi didn’t _want_ to keep his emotions hidden around him. 

Levi’s life had been an exhausting, non-stop fight for liberation, and he was tired of trying to distance himself from everyone who he could ever possibly care about. 

So, maybe foolishly, Levi let Erwin become the one person around whom he could let his guard down. The line between commander and captain became blurred as “Commander” became just “Erwin,” and “Captain” was just “Levi.” 

During the days when they weren’t on missions, it was harder for the men to spend time together, as they often had separate tasks. At night, however, it became an unspoken routine for them to spend time in Erwin’s office at the Survey Corps headquarters. 

No matter how tough his day had been, Levi would always make it to Erwin’s office in the evenings. He cherished the nights in Erwin’s office when it was just the two of them. 

They’d make tea, take off their jackets (which Levi always made sure to hang in the small coat closet), and if they both still had work to finish, they’d sit together at the wooden table and work in silence. If Levi didn’t have work, he’d sit and drink his tea, just watching Erwin come up with formations, plans, whatever it was he did. 

One night, while Erwin was concentrating on something he was writing, Levi stood up and walked over to the large window on one of the office walls. He stood there watching the city and the people below. He closed his eyes, and for just a second, imagined that the world didn’t exist beyond Erwin’s office. 

Levi heard the faint sound of a chair moving against the carpeted floor, and seconds later, felt Erwin’s presence next to him. 

Levi opened his eyes and saw that Erwin was looking at him with a soft smile on his face. 

“What?” Levi asked, shifting his gaze from Erwin to the window. 

“What were you thinking about?” Erwin was looking outside too. He could see the moon full and bright in the sky. 

Staring at one of the many houses in the distance, Levi replied, “Nothing.” 

Erwin let out a fond laugh, knowing that “nothing” meant Levi was thinking about something he probably couldn’t express in words. 

Levi turned to face Erwin again as he moved forward and put his hands at the base of the window to pull it open. 

Levi continued to watch as Erwin lifted himself up to sit on the wide ledge and let his legs hang down outside. 

Erwin moved all the way to the left side of the window ledge and looked back at Levi once he was situated. 

They’d never done this before. In fact, Levi wasn’t even aware that the windows in Erwin’s office could open. 

Levi watched as the soft white light from the moon casted a glow around Erwin’s head, making his blonde hair look almost white. 

Erwin smiled again. “Come. Sit,” he said, gesturing to the empty space on the window ledge next to him. 

Levi hesitated for a moment, but then found himself moving towards the window. He hoisted himself onto the ledge and sat beside Erwin, feeling the pleasantly cool air from outside rush over his body. 

Levi turned to look at Erwin who was looking into the distance, focusing loosely on the walls looming over the city. 

“We have another mission soon. I was able to secure the proper funding,” Erwin said, still looking at the walls. 

Levi turned to gaze at the walls as well, the confirmation of another expedition outside settling over him. 

“That’s good,” Levi replied after a moment. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Levi heard the material of Erwin’s clothes rustle as he turned to face him. 

“Do you resent me?” Erwin asked. 

Levi turned to face Erwin, caught off guard by the question. What could he possibly resent him for? 

When Levi didn’t respond, Erwin continued. “I feel responsible for dragging you into all of this.” 

Erwin sighed and moved his gaze from Levi back to the walls. “You could’ve had a much different life had I not forced you to join the Scouts.” 

Levi stared at Erwin as he spoke. He didn’t know if he had the words to express to Erwin exactly how he felt. Although Levi’s time with the Scouts had brought him some of the greatest pain he’d ever known, and at first, he did hate Erwin for punishing him in such a way, he was still filled with gratitude— gratitude towards Erwin. 

The commander had granted Levi a purpose, a way to make sense of his existence in this world. No matter how tough things got, no matter the hardships, Levi could think of Erwin’s dream, his hope for humanity, and become grounded again. 

Levi sighed and put his hands behind him on the ledge to rest on them. 

“That’s ridiculous,” he said simply. 

Erwin looked at Levi, and then let out a soft laugh. He knew what Levi meant. He always knew. 

“That’s good to hear,” Erwin replied, and leaned back on his hands to match Levi’s position. 

“Besides,” Erwin added, looking up at the moon, “you are far too beautiful to live a life underground.” 

Levi scoffed, not quite knowing how to react to such a statement. 

“Very funny,” he said. 

But Erwin turned to look at Levi then, and it was clear that there was nothing funny about what he had just said. 

It wasn’t the first time Levi had received a compliment from Erwin, but something about this just felt… different. Levi found himself out of his depth. 

Still looking at his most trusted captain, Erwin thought for a moment before speaking. 

“Making you join the Scouts was a punishment, yes, but I also recognized your skill that day,” Erwin said, referring to their first meeting. “I knew, more than anything else, that we needed you. I just knew.” 

Levi continued to watch as Erwin spoke, his blue eyes seemingly lost in thought and reminiscence. 

“This world is full of ugly things,” Erwin continued. “I know all too well. Titans, violence, death…” he trailed off a moment before speaking again. “I began to wonder if this life, if this world, could ever be beautiful.” 

“But then I saw you,” Erwin said, giving Levi one of the most tender smiles he’d ever seen. Levi felt his heart do something strange as he looked at Erwin’s face. 

“A thief, reckless, strong-willed, a bit arrogant,” Erwin reached his hand out to brush a hair off of Levi’s face that had been moved by the soft breeze, “but _so, so_ beautiful.” 

Levi found himself speechless. He never thought he’d want to hear those words from someone, never cared for that kind of affection. But in that moment, as he sat on the window ledge in the night, Erwin’s words were the only thing he wanted to hear. 

“Your skills gave me hope, that’s true,” Erwin said, still keeping his gaze fixed on Levi. “But more than that, _you_ gave me hope. If someone like you existed in a world like this, how bad could it really be?” 

Levi didn’t know what kind of face he was making at that moment, but it must have been quite remarkable as a look of shock came over Erwin’s face, but then his expression softened. 

“I’m sorry. That was a lot,” Erwin said, knowing that Levi wasn’t used to such displays of emotion. 

Levi continued to stare at the man next to him with his lips parted, still processing everything Erwin had just told him. How does one respond to such a confession? Erwin had always been the one with more eloquence, always knowing exactly what to say. Levi wasn’t that way. 

He took a deep breath and tried his best to return to his usual neutral expression. But that was nearly impossible. Levi’s mind and heart were running at what felt like light speed, and he didn’t know what to do. He had never felt like this. 

Eventually, Levi was able to say, “No. It’s fine,” trying his best to keep his voice even. 

If possible, Erwin’s smile became even more tender, and Levi knew—he knew that he wanted Erwin to be his partner, in more than just battle. But how could he ever express that to him? 

The two men sat on the window ledge for a while longer, just enjoying each other’s presence, alone under the night sky lit by the moon and stars. 

A bit later, Erwin turned to Levi and said, “It’s getting late.” 

Levi nodded, and they moved off of the ledge so they were standing in Erwin’s office again. 

The warmth of the office was comforting, and for the first time in a while, Levi felt… content, like he could stay in this moment forever and be happy. 

They were still standing by the open window, and Erwin’s words from earlier were still rushing through Levi’s mind. He needed to do something to show Erwin that he felt the same, that he understood everything Erwin told him while they were sitting on the window ledge. 

A concerned expression came over Erwin’s face as he watched Levi and asked, “Is something wrong?” 

The look on Levi’s face must have revealed his internal struggle, so he looked up at Erwin and tried his best to soften his expression. 

“No,” Levi replied, and felt resolve wash over him. He knew what to do to show Erwin how much this night had meant to him, how much all of the nights in his office had meant to him. 

Slowly, very slowly, Levi reached his hand out in front of him and took one of Erwin’s in his own. Levi could see Erwin’s surprise as the smooth skin of his hand ran over the slightly rougher texture of Erwin’s. 

“Thank you,” Levi breathed, and he brought Erwin’s hand up to touch his face, “for tonight.” 

Erwin stood in shock for a few moments, but then his face broke out into a beautiful smile as he moved his thumb to caress Levi’s cheek. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Erwin said, his voice almost a whisper. “I know.” 

And Levi melted into Erwin’s touch. He closed his eyes in wonder of how he managed to find perhaps one of the only people in this world who could ever understand him. Erwin always knew what Levi needed, knew Levi’s mannerisms and expressions, and that was something truly special. 

And Levi knew Erwin, too. Which is why, when Levi opened his eyes, he wasn’t surprised to see that Erwin had taken a few steps forwards, so they were almost chest-to-chest. Erwin still had his hand on Levi’s cheek, and he was looking at him like he was the only thing that ever mattered. 

Levi didn’t want the moment to end. He _needed_ it, and Erwin did, too, so the two men took one final step towards each other, and Levi looked up directly into Erwin’s eyes, knowing expectance and anticipation were written all over his face. 

Erwin let out a breathy laugh in disbelief of what was happening, but utterly joyful that it was. He had been waiting for confirmation from Levi that expressing his feelings like this was okay, and Levi’s “Thank you” earlier was his way of saying, “I feel the same.” It was the confirmation that Erwin needed. 

He stared back into Levi’s dark eyes, taking in all of his features—his sharp cheekbones, strong nose, the soft wisps of hair covering his forehead, and finally, his full lips. 

Levi just watched as Erwin’s gaze settled on his mouth, feeling his heart rate increase even more. 

Erwin took one final breath. “May I kiss you, Levi?” 

Levi didn’t miss a beat. 

“Yes,” he breathed. 

And no sooner had the word left Levi’s mouth than Erwin’s lips were on his. 

They kissed each other with equal fervor and passion, both of them feeling like they could never get enough. Levi had never felt so good in his entire life. The taste of Erwin’s mouth, his tongue—everything was overwhelming but better than Levi could have ever imagined. 

He let himself become lost in Erwin’s embrace as the commander moved his hands up and down Levi’s back, eventually moving them to untuck Levi’s shirt from his pants so he could run his hands underneath it, along Levi’s bare skin. 

Levi let Erwin’s hands go wherever they wanted, lost in the new feeling of pleasure. He tangled his hands in Erwin’s blonde hair, wondering at the softness. 

Erwin’s hands eventually made it to the back of Levi’s thighs and he bent his knees, never parting his mouth from Levi’s. Levi felt himself being lifted off of the ground as he moaned and tightened his legs around Erwin’s waist. 

Erwin carried Levi over to the couch that was set against the back wall of the office and set him down gently. Levi opened his eyes when he felt his back hit the soft cushions and saw Erwin on top of him, his usual immaculately styled hair now falling loose and disheveled around his forehead. 

Erwin had called him beautiful, yes, but Levi couldn’t help but feel that Erwin was the one who was truly beautiful. 

Erwin brushed Levi’s bangs out of his face and asked, “Is this still okay?” 

In response, Levi brought his lips to Erwin’s once more, wrapping his legs around Erwin’s waist and his arms around Erwin’s neck. 

“What do you think?” Levi replied when he took his mouth off of Erwin’s to catch his breath. 

Erwin smiled. “I think you’re beautiful, and I think I am very lucky.” 

Levi rolled his eyes out of habit, still not used to flattery. “Stop with that.” 

Erwin laughed. “I’ll keep telling you every day until you accept it,” he said, and he bent down to kiss Levi sweetly on his mouth, on his neck, and when he pulled Levi’s shirt and pants off, he kissed him there, too. 

Feeling Erwin all over him, feeling so utterly happy, Levi closed his eyes and imagined again that the world didn’t exist beyond Erwin’s office. He imagined that he could just stay there with him forever. 

But Levi should have known better. He should have known that whatever he thought “forever” might be would actually be much shorter. 

For a while it was nice. What Erwin and Levi had was something they both needed. Their nights in the office became nights they always spent together until morning, always visiting their spot on the window ledge. 

It was at that spot with Levi’s head resting softly on Erwin’s shoulder, the moon their only witness, where Erwin whispered the three words that shattered Levi’s walls completely. 

_“I love you.”_

Levi never said those exact words back, but he didn’t need to. 

“Come back alive,” and “I’ll break your legs,” were only some of the ways Levi expressed just how much he cared about Erwin. Though many may not have realized what Levi meant behind those seemingly harsh words, Erwin understood. 

And when the time came for Levi to utter the words he always hoped he’d never have to say, it was his final act of love. 

“Give up on your dream and die.” 

Levi watched for years as Erwin tirelessly chased after his dream of getting to the basement. Mission after mission, death after death, Levi could see the guilt begin to weigh heavy on Erwin’s shoulders. But still, he never wavered, never faltered from achieving his goal. 

Levi didn’t want to accept it, but somewhere deep within himself, he knew that Erwin would die for his dream. 

And when Erwin announced the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria, that feeling grew. With no arm and nothing but fierce determination, Levi knew that if Erwin left for this mission, he would not come back. 

Levi watched as the Scouts were annihilated by the Beast Titan. He watched as his closest friends and allies gave their all to take back the land that was once theirs. And he watched Erwin as he came to his final decision. 

Erwin was going to die, and Levi was going to let him. 

Levi was going to release Erwin from the burden of being in charge of the group of people tasked with saving humanity. Levi was going to free him of the guilt he felt for all those who had fallen on missions he led. Levi was going to free him from the aftermath of whatever it was they would find in Eren Yeager’s basement. Levi was going to let Erwin rest, and finally be free. 

“Give up on your dream and die.” 

Erwin’s relieved little smile after Levi spoke those words was all the reassurance Levi needed to know for sure that he had made the right choice for his beloved commander. 

And even when an opportunity to save Erwin presented itself, even when all Levi had to do was inject some Titan fluid into Erwin’s body and he’d have his commander and partner back, Levi thought back to Erwin’s smile, to the relief it looked like he felt at the prospect of death, and Levi made the same choice again. He’d let Erwin be free. 

Levi considered himself to be a strong person, as did the people around him. They counted on Levi to be their fearless, unwavering captain. He had faced countless losses, immense heartbreak, yet nothing could really compare to how he felt after returning home to announce the success of the mission without Erwin by his side. 

The worst part about it all was that it was hard to focus on the fact that Erwin was gone. Everything everyone thought they knew about the world, about humanity’s existence, had been flipped on its head. There was so much to process just with all of that. 

But Erwin never left Levi’s mind. He didn’t cry for him, as that’s not the kind of person Levi was. Levi would, however, find himself staring into space a lot more. He’d think about what Erwin would’ve thought about everything they learned from Grisha Yeager. He’d think about how Erwin would’ve reacted to seeing the ocean for the first time. 

The first thing that Levi thought of when he saw all of that blue water was that it reminded him of Erwin’s eyes. 

Erwin’s office at Survey Corps headquarters had been vacant for a while after the Scouts returned from Wall Maria. 

And Levi stands in there now. 

This is his first time back since Erwin’s death. He couldn’t sleep, so he began to walk around outside. He found his legs taking him towards headquarters, and then to a room he used to be all too familiar with. 

Some of Erwin’s papers are still resting on the wooden table where the two men used to sit side-by-side as they worked together. Levi picks one up, and smiles softly as he sees Erwin’s neat handwriting all over the page. 

He puts the paper back on the table. Levi stands for a few moments, just taking in the solitude that Erwin’s empty office brings, before making his way over to the window. 

Levi pushes it open and feels the night air rustle his hair. He climbs onto the ledge and sits down. 

So many words had been spoken between them in this very spot. So many touches, whispers, moments that were just for them. 

Levi looks up at the night sky, the moon full and bright, just like it was the first night the two of them sat on the window ledge together. 

“I almost chose you,” Levi says. “Had to fight off both brats for even considering it,” he scoffs. “So much trouble.” 

But Levi finds himself smiling despite everything. “I guess they’re our only hope now, though.” 

He lets the pleasant breeze rustle his hair as he sits on the window ledge. 

_How foolish_ , Levi thinks. _I’m talking to myself_. 

Levi sits on the ledge for a while longer. He looks up at the moon one last time. 

“Thank you, Erwin,” he says into the night. 

Levi swings his legs around so his feet are touching the carpet, walks across the floor, and shuts the door to Erwin’s office behind him for the last time. 

**Author's Note:**

> www.lucys-key.tumblr.com


End file.
